Michelle
i will pay you 1 million dollars to finish my dissertation for me
Autumn
At this rate, I might just have the time! Oh wait. I shouldn’t say that. A bunch of people might kill me. Nevermind. You can keep your 1 million dollars.
Jason
I’ll do it for one month’s rent
Michelle
autumn, if you are under contract to finish my dissertation i will protect you. and a month’s rent is a serious discount on 1 million dollars. makes me question the quality of your product jason.
Shawn
jason, how much is your rent?
Jason
two million dollars
Teresa [Michelle’s mother]
I’ll do it for free…..but it may not get you your PHD!
Jason
There’s the Capitalist system for you. Don’t charge overmuch, give someone a good deal, and they automatically question the quality of your services… Fine, I’ll do it for 1 million five hundred thousand (firm)
Teresa
Hey watch it there mister! I said I would do it for free and you are turning it into a bidding war……bring it on….bring it on!
Eva
you can do it you can do it!
Teresa
Spoken like a true friend!
Jason
For 1,500,000, I will get you the PhD. No problem. I’ll also throw in an MA in Computer Science, and a Bachelor’s in underwater basket weaving (a skill currently highly in demand in Denmark).
Teresa
me thinks you win! but I don’t like it!
Teresa
I think I could use some of that basket weaving….we’ll talk some time
Michelle
Product bundling, savvy marketing move. I don’t really need a BA in basket weaving, yet the offer is hard to resist.
Jason
Everyone always goes for the basket weaving. Who doesn’t love a handmade basket infused with the timelessness of the ocean?… I will be displaying some of my personal baskets tonight at 9 pm on the Home Shopping Network.
Jason
Every gmail email in existence seems to be taken… It’s like the Monthy Python cheese shop sketch
Ben
what about fyodorkafstoy@gmail.com ?? taken?
Jason
The only one that seems to be available is “eriuhurwsdghvdjjhujvcvvcsjcbdhvcdvbvbhbvdhhvbsdhcvvcjkbsajkadbjkb84865tr@gmail.com”
Justine
you should totally do it. and put it on your business card.
Jason
Don’t worry— I snagged it up fast!… Making business cards as we speak.
Matthew
iamgerarddepardieu@gmail.com. You’re welcome.
Jason
huh?
Sasha
ripvanwinkle
Jason
indeed. the good advice continues pouring in.
Natasha
stoptakingallniceandshortemails@gmail.com
Natasha
ohthisoneisareallygoodandshortandeasytoremembertoo@gmail.com
Jason
I think I’ve struck some strange universal nerve
Jason
everyone will be happy (or unhappy) to know that I have settled on “[redacted]@gmail.com” as an alternate email
Natasha
icouldn’tcomeupwithsomethingsmart@gmail.com
sorry, i will go back to work now.
Jason
okthankyouforyoursuggestionsiwilltrythemnexttimehavefunatwork@gmail.com
Sasha
that’s enough
Jason
I’ll be the judge of when it’s enough!… Okay. It’s enough.
Natasha
enough is enough or ya poidu v shtany kazhdomy iz vas!
Jason
Tol’ko etovo malo!
Jason
Cheese is the new meat
Jason
Ketchup is “out” for 2010. You heard it here first, friends… I heard a little rumor that lentil soup is “in.”
Barry
Lentil soup is enjoyable to eat and healthy for your bodily system.
Jason
Indeed!… A little bird told me: Baklava: “In” for 2010. Capers: “Out”… In other news: sprouts “hot.” Crepes “not.”
Barry
What food is the “new some other food”?
Jason
You’re insatiable. No other food this week. However, you’ll be interested to hear that chinchilla is the new snakeskin.
Jason
Fava beans are the new chianti… This changes the quote from Silence of the Lambs only in theory.
Barry
Food is Christianity “for the people”
Sasha posts:
When Bentsman is on fire, nobody can touch him
i.
Jason
is looking for some wall-to-wall action
Steven
’balls to the wall’
Jason
Thanks. That hits the spot.
Same time, same place next week.
ii.
Jason
smells autumn on the wind
Barry
Ahhh! Shut up, shut up!
Jason
Autumn! Autumn I say!… What’s that?… Autumn!
iii.
Kat
Officially going to India in March. Flight to Delhi: booked! Suggestions and advice welcome!
Jason
Stow me away in your suitcase?… I don’t weigh much, and can live off saltine crackers for weeks at a time.
iv.
Ben
My dog likes the white powder.
Jason
a little bit of snow for the dog… steel ice… nose candy… stardust… white lady… white horse… happy dust… why not
v.
L. [message]
Flew into Baltimore last night, at my parents house. I keep thinking of poe’s house of usher. My family seems pervaded by a sense of inexorable Decline.
Jason [message]
Haven’t read that one. Poe is a hoe, and all that. You know, the old Crimson days. Freebasing on the 40 yard line. Giving the kicks to old caretaker Willy. The Lunarium ball. Those were the times. Still haven’t gotten around to Poe. But I hear his mother writes excellent Slam poetry.
i.
Jason: [status] Thinks facebook is jumping the shark
Michelle: Or . . . maybe the shark is jumping facebook?
Jason: You make a very good point. Never thought of it that way. All this time it was staring me right in the face. To think! Four years of research down the drain. Only the little-minded are scared of the obvious. I’ve been fooling myself. Don’t have the mettle I once thought. A two-bit hack, at best, an armchair philosopher. You’ve disabused me of this 800 pound elephant under the cocktail cabinet. I’m beside myself. There, I’m drinking a bitter and sweet cocktail of my own joy and grief. I have always depended on the kindness of strangers.
Michelle: I’m glad you’ve come to your senses. I recommend a good year or two of marine biology work so you don’t make the same sort of mistake again.
Jason: [status] realizes that perhaps the shark is jumping facebook (!?)
ii.
Michelle: [status] Has a new appreciation for the saying ‘let sleeping dogs lie.’
Jason: I’ve found newly-awoken dogs the most wonderful companions. We really do seem to have a fundamentally opposing philosophical worldview. But, in this case, I firmly believe I’m right. I recall the famous ten year correspondence between Kierkegaard and Heidegger— all the more amazing because Heidegger was born thirty-some years after Kierkegaard’s death— on the nature of pickled herring, in which Kierkegaard clearly emerged the victor… By the way, I have enrolled in marine biology classes at John Hopkins with the young Cousteau. We shall see about this shark.
Michelle: The Harvard chemists might concede your point, but the physicists would surely protest. The herring would be a particular bone of contention. While the Heidegger/Kierkegaard correspondence is relevant, it fails to settle the matter since it does not specifically address the issue of the sleeping dog. Nonetheless, I’m intrigued and will look into this further. I have the feeling that you may be on to something. You may also want to discuss the matter with Cousteau to discover his opinion, which is surely more expert than my own.
Michelle: [status] Is jumping facebook.
iii.
[Status] Jason took the “IQ test” quiz and the result is: Very Good!!
Michelle: Was the IQ test performed by a phrenologist?
Jason: I don’t know what that is.
November 19, 2009, WASHINGTON — Congress must move quickly to create a “safer, more stable financial system,” Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner said Thursday, as lawmakers on both sides of Capitol Hill pressed forward with legislative efforts.
“To ensure the vitality, the strength and the stability of our economy going forward, we must bring our system of financial regulation into the— 26th century,” Mr. Geithner told a joint congressional committee.
“I’ve given this a lot of thought,” Geithner said. “And while it would be wonderful to bring our system into the 21st, or even 22nd century— why stop there? I mean, how great would it be if we could bring it into the 24th, or even 25th… Just imagine! Our financial system would be so ahead of the curve that we could all retire to Mexico and sit on the beach drinking light beers— like in that Corona commercial. I know we have the resources to do this!”
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