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Nadir Of Western Civilization To Be Reached This Friday
At 3:32 P.M. — The Onion
WASHINGTON — From the prehistoric Lascaux cave paintings to the stirring symphonies of Mozart to today’s hot-dog eating competitions and action films with comical gerbils, culture has descended into a festering pool of mass ignorance, said Yale sociologist Paul Riordan.
i.
Jason
is looking for some wall-to-wall action
Steven
’balls to the wall’
Jason
Thanks. That hits the spot.
Same time, same place next week.
ii.
Jason
smells autumn on the wind
Barry
Ahhh! Shut up, shut up!
Jason
Autumn! Autumn I say!… What’s that?… Autumn!
iii.
Kat
Officially going to India in March. Flight to Delhi: booked! Suggestions and advice welcome!
Jason
Stow me away in your suitcase?… I don’t weigh much, and can live off saltine crackers for weeks at a time.
iv.
Ben
My dog likes the white powder.
Jason
a little bit of snow for the dog… steel ice… nose candy… stardust… white lady… white horse… happy dust… why not
v.
L. [message]
Flew into Baltimore last night, at my parents house. I keep thinking of poe’s house of usher. My family seems pervaded by a sense of inexorable Decline.
Jason [message]
Haven’t read that one. Poe is a hoe, and all that. You know, the old Crimson days. Freebasing on the 40 yard line. Giving the kicks to old caretaker Willy. The Lunarium ball. Those were the times. Still haven’t gotten around to Poe. But I hear his mother writes excellent Slam poetry.
i.
Jason: [status] Thinks facebook is jumping the shark
Michelle: Or . . . maybe the shark is jumping facebook?
Jason: You make a very good point. Never thought of it that way. All this time it was staring me right in the face. To think! Four years of research down the drain. Only the little-minded are scared of the obvious. I’ve been fooling myself. Don’t have the mettle I once thought. A two-bit hack, at best, an armchair philosopher. You’ve disabused me of this 800 pound elephant under the cocktail cabinet. I’m beside myself. There, I’m drinking a bitter and sweet cocktail of my own joy and grief. I have always depended on the kindness of strangers.
Michelle: I’m glad you’ve come to your senses. I recommend a good year or two of marine biology work so you don’t make the same sort of mistake again.
Jason: [status] realizes that perhaps the shark is jumping facebook (!?)
ii.
Michelle: [status] Has a new appreciation for the saying ‘let sleeping dogs lie.’
Jason: I’ve found newly-awoken dogs the most wonderful companions. We really do seem to have a fundamentally opposing philosophical worldview. But, in this case, I firmly believe I’m right. I recall the famous ten year correspondence between Kierkegaard and Heidegger— all the more amazing because Heidegger was born thirty-some years after Kierkegaard’s death— on the nature of pickled herring, in which Kierkegaard clearly emerged the victor… By the way, I have enrolled in marine biology classes at John Hopkins with the young Cousteau. We shall see about this shark.
Michelle: The Harvard chemists might concede your point, but the physicists would surely protest. The herring would be a particular bone of contention. While the Heidegger/Kierkegaard correspondence is relevant, it fails to settle the matter since it does not specifically address the issue of the sleeping dog. Nonetheless, I’m intrigued and will look into this further. I have the feeling that you may be on to something. You may also want to discuss the matter with Cousteau to discover his opinion, which is surely more expert than my own.
Michelle: [status] Is jumping facebook.
iii.
[Status] Jason took the “IQ test” quiz and the result is: Very Good!!
Michelle: Was the IQ test performed by a phrenologist?
Jason: I don’t know what that is.
Gratifying myself sexually by reading Kant’s Critique of Pure Reason
Apparently: directed by Eric Wareheim, edited by Ben Berman,
produced by Clark Reinking, song Remix by Swizz Beatz
BBC NEWS | Birds show off their dance moves
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