The literary site of Jason Bentsman & Co. Entertainment, illumination, edification
*Admittedly, this is so esoteric I doubt more than .01% of the population will get it
Michelle
deleting pages from my dissertation causes me acute physical pain
Shawn [a nurse]
I can manage that.
Michelle
propofol, or a little dilaudid?
Jason
That’s terrible. I feel for you. Those cretins don’t understand that those pages are essential to the purpose (now I think I just may be projecting)…. Maybe, afterwards, you can put out a “Dissertation: Director’s Cut,” including all the deleted pages— and an appendix of zany bloopers.
Michelle
Pages and pages of well-researched yet unnecessary historical context for a minor point: HILARIOUS BLOOPER.
ii.
Jason
”My body thinks I’m a bear. I think I’m a bear. You think I’m a bear. So why am I not a bear?!”
–Sasha
Katya
why would she not be bear?
Jason
I don’t know. You’d have to ask her. I think she’s a bear.
iii.
Jason
The Scorpions canceled their Minsk show
Matthew
I refuse to believe this.
Jason
I know, I know. It’s almost— unbelievable.
Barry
A new Day the Music Died
Jason
Soy tan sexy que mi amor
Barry
This is true.
Jason
soy mucho para Milán, mucho para Milán, New York y Japón
Kat
Hey, don’t you guys rag on The Scorpions! I love them!
iv.
Kat
”No mud, no lotus” –Thich Nhat Hahn
Ardha Baddha Padmottanasana (Half Bound Lotus Forward Bend)
Jason
“No woman, no cry” –Bob Marley
v.
Jason
”Russians are capable of bringing the notion of ‘jutkact’ (kitsch/ gaudiness/ tackiness) to a whole
other level. The level you never thought was possible.” –Sasha
Steven
woah.
Jason
indeed
Matthew
I think I sprained my tongue trying to say “jutkact”
Jason
It’s pronounced ‘zhoot-kuhst’… anyway, you sprain your tongue every month doing something or other
Margot
I’ve been searching for the name of this ever since my first trip to Israel…
Jason
That’s what a Russian would call it… ‘POSH-luhst’ would be translated as ‘kitsch,’ and ‘JHOOT-kuhst’ as the kind of absurd kitsch-gaudiness-tackiness seen in the video… Unfortunately, it’s difficult to approximate the right pronunciation…
Margot
My Russian/Ukranian colleague Dima who sits next to me says you’re wrong, and that jutkact means ‘liquid’. Bentsman are you trying to pull one on us?
Jason
He’s thinking of ‘ZHEET-kast’— which means liquid. ‘ZHEET-kaya’ means liquidy… ‘ZHOOT-kast’ (noun) comes from ‘ZHOOT-kaya’ (adj)— which means basically what I said: extreme kitsch/ tackiness/ gaudiness. Have him check a good Russian dictionary if he doesn’t believe it. (Again, the confusion here is trying to transliterate the Russian sounds in English letters.)
Barry
I’m still waiting to see evidence of a Russian capacity for kitsch/gaudy/tacky exceeding the American.
Jason
pet peeve: The creepily subservient, alienating, and unhelpful ways in which large companies (banks, utilities, credit card, tech companies, etc) require their customer service people to speak. They sound like automatons, w/o intuitive conversational sense or rapport, forced to ask inane questions and make inane statements no one ever responds to affirmatively. At the very end of the conversation, after every issue has (or, more often, has not) been addressed, always: “Is there anything else I can help you with today?” – ‘No, clearly not’ – “Okay, sir. Thank you for your time today, sir. Motorcola and the Motorcola family has been serving the community for years and is proud of your continued patronage.” – Would anyone speak like this in person? – As Jerry Seinfeld would say: “Who are these people?”
Ben
I figured it out: you’re Andy Rooney and Larry David’s love child.
Jason
You just figured it out today? It’s common knowledge.
Larry and Andy were deeply in love. It was the height of the roaring sixties. Leicester Sqaure. The MODS. The Beatles had just returned from Sri Lanka. It was love at fourth sight. But it wasn’t meant to be. Not the right time; not their time. Strangers in the night… I knew I would get flak for that one
Jason
I just misspelled “square”
Michelle
there’s something missing from this story… andy kaufman as gestational carrier maybe
Jason
I’ve heard strange rumors about Andy Kaufman. Strange forebodings, and whispers in the night. But I’ve never myself seen the man.
Jason
Next on ’60 Minutes’!
Michelle
i will pay you 1 million dollars to finish my dissertation for me
Autumn
At this rate, I might just have the time! Oh wait. I shouldn’t say that. A bunch of people might kill me. Nevermind. You can keep your 1 million dollars.
Jason
I’ll do it for one month’s rent
Michelle
autumn, if you are under contract to finish my dissertation i will protect you. and a month’s rent is a serious discount on 1 million dollars. makes me question the quality of your product jason.
Shawn
jason, how much is your rent?
Jason
two million dollars
Teresa [Michelle’s mother]
I’ll do it for free…..but it may not get you your PHD!
Jason
There’s the Capitalist system for you. Don’t charge overmuch, give someone a good deal, and they automatically question the quality of your services… Fine, I’ll do it for 1 million five hundred thousand (firm)
Teresa
Hey watch it there mister! I said I would do it for free and you are turning it into a bidding war……bring it on….bring it on!
Eva
you can do it you can do it!
Teresa
Spoken like a true friend!
Jason
For 1,500,000, I will get you the PhD. No problem. I’ll also throw in an MA in Computer Science, and a Bachelor’s in underwater basket weaving (a skill currently highly in demand in Denmark).
Teresa
me thinks you win! but I don’t like it!
Teresa
I think I could use some of that basket weaving….we’ll talk some time
Michelle
Product bundling, savvy marketing move. I don’t really need a BA in basket weaving, yet the offer is hard to resist.
Jason
Everyone always goes for the basket weaving. Who doesn’t love a handmade basket infused with the timelessness of the ocean?… I will be displaying some of my personal baskets tonight at 9 pm on the Home Shopping Network.
Jason
Every gmail email in existence seems to be taken… It’s like the Monthy Python cheese shop sketch
Ben
what about fyodorkafstoy@gmail.com ?? taken?
Jason
The only one that seems to be available is “eriuhurwsdghvdjjhujvcvvcsjcbdhvcdvbvbhbvdhhvbsdhcvvcjkbsajkadbjkb84865tr@gmail.com”
Justine
you should totally do it. and put it on your business card.
Jason
Don’t worry— I snagged it up fast!… Making business cards as we speak.
Matthew
iamgerarddepardieu@gmail.com. You’re welcome.
Jason
huh?
Sasha
ripvanwinkle
Jason
indeed. the good advice continues pouring in.
Natasha
stoptakingallniceandshortemails@gmail.com
Natasha
ohthisoneisareallygoodandshortandeasytoremembertoo@gmail.com
Jason
I think I’ve struck some strange universal nerve
Jason
everyone will be happy (or unhappy) to know that I have settled on “[redacted]@gmail.com” as an alternate email
Natasha
icouldn’tcomeupwithsomethingsmart@gmail.com
sorry, i will go back to work now.
Jason
okthankyouforyoursuggestionsiwilltrythemnexttimehavefunatwork@gmail.com
Sasha
that’s enough
Jason
I’ll be the judge of when it’s enough!… Okay. It’s enough.
Natasha
enough is enough or ya poidu v shtany kazhdomy iz vas!
Jason
Tol’ko etovo malo!
Jason
Cheese is the new meat
Jason
Ketchup is “out” for 2010. You heard it here first, friends… I heard a little rumor that lentil soup is “in.”
Barry
Lentil soup is enjoyable to eat and healthy for your bodily system.
Jason
Indeed!… A little bird told me: Baklava: “In” for 2010. Capers: “Out”… In other news: sprouts “hot.” Crepes “not.”
Barry
What food is the “new some other food”?
Jason
You’re insatiable. No other food this week. However, you’ll be interested to hear that chinchilla is the new snakeskin.
Jason
Fava beans are the new chianti… This changes the quote from Silence of the Lambs only in theory.
Barry
Food is Christianity “for the people”
Sasha posts:
When Bentsman is on fire, nobody can touch him
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