A Night of Sulphur
A night of sulphur
in the garden
with winding trees
exquisite breeze
but sulphur ling’ring
in the air
and in the blue heather
I heard
a girl’s voice
clear as the moon
follow me down
she sang, she cried
follow me down
down
down
to the riverside
so I left my bench
and jumped the trail
which
hov’ring on
that perfect
voice
made its way
to southern shores
the voice called on
away, anon
follow me down
it sang, it cried
follow me down
down
down
down to the riverside
and at that river
silent shore
all voices converge
in quiet waves
had it been I
who’d dreamt
that voice,
the last
of fading
childhood
days?
∆ Appeared in FIRE: No. 18 (Oxford, UK)
And Silent Silent Silent Go
And silent silent silent go
the last footsteps
of falling day
and silent silent silent fall
the glor’ious stars
of our decay
I stood nearby
affixed
in thought
as you peered through
the spying glass
to southern shores
dark blue
beneath
the fields
and rolling
hills of grass
I said to you
my friend
my love
one day these shores
will cease
to be
but you looked on
adrift
in thought
as the waves
rolled forward
silently
∆ Appeared in FIRE: No. 18 (Oxford, UK)
I have received many awards and accolades, and am very important, influential, hip, cutting edge, renowned, and distinguished. For a complete bio, please see the 37 page entry on Wikipedia that my publicity people put up—or, alternately, any of the 142 articles about me on Wikileaks (except the one involving Silvio Berlusconi, Hu Jintao, Salma Hayek, a blindfolded camel, a harem of underage transvestite strippers, and a giant vat of rice pudding, which I still hold is pure fabrication).
Suffice it to say, it’s a great honor to speak with me. Many court me for interviews, which I rarely accede to. However, on one particularly sunny day in 2009, when, in a creative ploy to garner my favor, James Lipton—you may have heard of him, scion of the great Bernard Pivot, acclaimed host of The Actor’s Studio, and writer of the “Thundercats” theme—Bill Moyers, and Charlie Rose approached me in concert, I happened to be feeling especially generous, and decided to humor them on a caprice. Below are my answers to their litany of hard-hitting questions.
Please note: The below interview is actually entirely spontaneous.
Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, or Slytherin?
CocoPuffs
What is the most useful class you’ve taken?
Poverty
What should your biography be titled?
‘Do you love bunnies?’
Why did you decide to do this Interview?
I like talking about myself
My magic wand would be constructed out of pure…
methamphetamines
We should criminalize…
incuriosity
In 20 years, I will be…
aching in the places that I used to play
When the world ends, I will be…
on another world that’s beginning
Jessica Alba or Jessica Simpson?
Alba Simpson
I’d rather be…
free
What always makes you smile, no matter how bad a day you’re having?
botox
My mate dumped me when they found my…
wand made of methamphetamines
I like to wear…
nothing, whenever possible
Five star hotel or a tent in the woods?
either, depending
What’s the fastest you’ve ever driven?
drunk or sober?
How many times is it acceptable to wear a pair of pants before washing them?
times?
I’d like to be captain on a manned mission to…
Nobu, New York
I could really live without…
anchovies
Who is your nemesis?
familiarity
When was the last time you cried?
Now, because I’m spending time answering these questions
What would you name your pet monkey?
Dieter
I miss…
infinite
Twizzlers or Red Vines?
White Stripes
I knew I was an adult when…
I could pee standing upright
Quick! Name a book you’ve recently finished reading!
The Little Book of Ponies
I was voted most likely to…
get conjunctivitis
I’m allergic to…
closemindedness
What celebrity do people say you look like?
Svetlana Stalin
Burn Out or Fade Away?
rage against the dying of the light. but, like everyone, go out not with a bang but a whimper
What’s your favorite brand?
Miu Miu
If you were invisible for a day, what would you do?
find out what ‘normal’ people talk about
Quick! Write the last sentence of your autobiography.
And it was good.
If I woke up as the opposite sex, I’d…
have a much easier time finding nice clothes to wear
Complete this sentence: Life is like a box of…
glass houses
Are you a glass half full or glass half empty person?
depends on what I’m drinking
What questions should we ask on ‘10 Second Interview’?
How do you feel about false advertising?
What’s the latest gadget you’ve bought?
a belt. holds up the pants real good
Look around! What’s the closest red object?
the F in Fandango
Thongs are…
silly
Boxers or briefs?
thongs
I’m down with…
the League of Nations
Have you ever been on TV?
I had a bit part in a David Lynch film. I played a midget who juggles pickled herring.
I’d do just about anything for…
a fix
I once had a really weird dream that…
I spent half an hour answering inane questions from an online questionnaire that claimed to take ten seconds
In retrospect, do you wish you had studied harder or had more fun?
I don’t begrudge the past
Which side is your good side?
I’ve been told there’s a small area on my back, but I’ve never been able to locate it
What does the tooth fairy do with all those teeth?
makes necklaces
How old were you when you had your first date?
the only reason we know that ‘date’ refers to a romantic event and not a fruit is the context
Quick! Make up a new pizza topping!
embryos
What snack food can you scarf down a whole bag in one sitting?
a pint of ice cream, easily
What’s your porn name?
Mr. Rogers
Quick! Write a two line poem:
My life is the poem I would have writ – But I could not both live and utter it – (Thoreau)
Do you sleep on your side, back, or stomach?
all of the above, but back rarely
I’d be mortified if someone caught me…
being mortified
Shoes or sneakers?
shut your mouth
I’d be totally screwed without…
lungs
What’s the sexiest thing a member of the opposite sex can wear?
lots of layers and buttons
If there were an extra hour in the day, I’d use it to…
daydream
Paris or Nicole?
Paris 4-Ever
What’s your ideal climate?
sultry
Cake or Pie?
Cakes and Ale
What was the first thing you bought when you got your first credit card?
a bondage outfit
People think that I’m…
an aardvark. It’s the darnedest thing
If you had a pet rhino, what would you name it?
Foo-foo
I want my last meal to be…
when I still have teeth
I wish my ex would…
put on something less revealing. It’s indecent!
My friends would be shocked if they knew…
that I’ve never written a thing in my damn life
What question should they ask Miss America or Miss Universe contestants?
fustian: subfusc :: pinafore:
What’s your nickname?
I have been called by many names, but the truth is One
The 80s were a decade of…
wonderful music
How many kids would you want to have?
a few here, a few there
Use the following words in a sentence: pink, dirigible, luckily, phonics
The pink dirigible jumped over the brown lazy dog. Luckily phonics.
I can’t believe I lost my…
rock hard abs
Who would you want to be with on a desert island?
the Little Prince… and a ‘hot babe’
What’s your favorite kids’ cereal?
whichever has the most corn syrup
Though I try to hide it, I’m actually…
strikingly handsome
I’m back in the…
red
What are three ways you’re making the world a better place?
me, myself, and I
The best ride at Disneyland is…
Small World
What was your worst fashion mistake?
being born
If I were a super hero, my super suit would be made out of…
dark matter
My philosophy is…
I know nothing
What flavor Jello are you?
Black Label
For my first wish, I wish…
for a wise and understanding heart
The last time I actually cooked something, I made…
the most delightful little torte
Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear. Fuzzy Wuzzy had no…
I will not cast aspersions against Fuzzy Wuzzy
What question would you ask God?
What happened to that blue shirt with the epaulets that I really liked?
There’s something fishy about…
Mary
If I wrote the script for a porno, I’d title it…
The Weeblo of Coxsackie
What do you think you’ll name your kids?
Bagel & Croissant
What would your Patronus be?
My reply is no
What’s the strangest question you’ve been asked in a job interview?
Yes – definitely
In 10 years, I’ll be…
It is certain
What makes you blush?
As I see it, yes
What cartoon character did you have a crush on?
Reply hazy, try again
Which of the following describe you? Teenage? Mutant? Ninja? Turtle?
You may count on it
Bikini, Tankini, or Linguini?
Ask again later
What do you wear to bed?
Without a doubt
Take whatever you want. Just don’t take my…
Very doubtful
Love or lust?
Cannot predict now
— This interview took place circa 2009, during Bentsman’s early late-middle upper paleolithic period (also known by art historians as “the mauve period”)
One wall of my bedroom, the wall facing the street, is an expansive veranda behind glass— a sort of observatory— looking out into black space and stars. The veranda moves to the left, slowly, like a moving walkway. But, actually, it’s the display within the blackness that moves. And everything seems to be moving rightward at an equal rate.
Emerging from within the blackness in a grand elliptical arc from left to right, as if on a conveyor, scenes from the world pass before me. Tableaux, isolated in passing pockets, glowing in ethereal shades of pastel neon— blue, violet, indigo, purple, pink, yellow, less of green, orange, red—
Vacation scenes/ Tropical resorts/ Cruise ships on the waters or docked at a port/ Seaside villages/ European villas/ American 50s diners/ the American highway of the 50s/ the Southwest, New Mexico, Albuquerque, Arizona/ Route 66 in its heyday/ Americana, nostalgia, kitsch—
And the stars, how golden, how silver, like illuminated sparkling ornaments hanging in the blackness on invisible strings.
A metaphor for the universe, and the endless wonder we experience— the nostalgia for that we know not— if we are receptive.
That we experience as children, because we haven’t yet allowed our “understanding” to confound, to refute that which is right in front of us, all around us: the Mystery. That contemporary society, with its technology and constant hustle, has blinded us to.
As if I were standing in some remote place on the edge of the universe, at the end of time, looking at the nostalgic career of humanity, in the guise of a grand panorama, merely an elaborate set and props, pass before me.
The Short Version
What follow are the posthumous writings of Eponymous Quatsch, a young man, stuck somewhere between madness and enlightenment, who died alone, familyless and friendless, by suicide, while living in a homeless shelter near Boston, MA. I only knew him in the last months of his life, and was probably the closest thing he had to a friend.
The writings are culled from a long supposedly cohesive philosophical tome he completed shortly before his death, titled A Survey of America Within Myself (or The Investigation), and comprised of three main sections. The first section, An Investigation Into Social Class, is a rough exploratory sketch, ending mid-sentence. The second, Exile From Nowhere, is split up further into three sub-sections: A Reckoning, An Interlude, and The Limitations. The first of these questions how ‘the visionary’— the sincere artist or thinker— might hope to ‘pursue their vision’ within the particular constraints of contemporary American society. The second is perhaps the strangest of all the writings, focusing on a fictional tribe who experience existence in an eternal present. The third, The Limitations, is by far the longest, and contains the most polished and realized pieces, culminating in a tour-de-force essay titled Relativism, the Absolute, Self-Realization, and Happiness in America (or Closer to the Path). The last section is a collection of thoughts and aphorisms compiled throughout the writing process.
Some of the writings are too rough, erratic, one-sided, and fragmentary for publication. Others, however unbalanced, are poignant in their uncanny reflections of contemporary society. A few come as close to describing Awareness as any I’ve read. He entrusted the manuscript to me several days before his death; I will be publishing portions at my discretion. Please make of them what you will.
The Whole Version
TBD
As a writer, I tend to read a lot. The following is a list of my all-time favorite books,
in no particular order:
An Inquiry Into the Origin of Hens – Lao Tse
When the War Was Good – E. Hemingway
Hypochondriacs Live Longer – David Sedaris
Finnegan’s Wake and Bake – James Jones
Rich and Strange: The Biography of Howard Hughes – Anonymous
The Candy Licker – Schler Muhammed Rasool
The Candy Licker’s Daughter – Schler Muhammed Rasool
The Candy Licker’s Time Traveling Wife – Schler Muhammed Rasool
The Candy Licker’s Da Vinci Code… ‘In Bed’ – Schler Muhammed Rasool
Turning the Mind into an Alley – L. Rinpoche
Flaunt Your Buddhism, Girl!: A Girl’s Guide to Being a Single Buddhist in the Big City –
SJ Parker
Sexual Aberrations of the Criminal Female – Marnie Connery, Ph.D
Iraq: What the Hell is Happening? – Cornell West
Iraq: What the Hell Happened? – Cornell West
My Caucasian – Andre Dubus III
Nothing’s Illuminated, Bitch – Harold Bloom
The Fifty Best of Everything Ever and Why: From Aardvark to Dyspepsia – Harold Bloom
Priapism Among the Haystacks – TS Lawrence
The Complete Geological Surveys of Andrei Tarkovsky 1952 –58 (Schocken Classics Series)
How Much Protein Does a Man Need? – Leo Tolstoy
How Not to Look Fat – Danica Lo
Who’s Your Fishmonger? – Niles Crane
Little Dieter Don’t Diet – Gunter Grass
Billary Slams Obamanation on the Obanomy & Other Flip–flops – JT Plouffe
You CAN Take It With You: I Took My Money Beyond the Grave and So Can You – Trask Carnegie
My Itamae: A Story of A Boy & His Imaginary Sushi Chef – Ozu Murakami
My Life As Art – Andy Warhol
My Life As Art – Art Garfunkel
My Life in Art – Paul Simon
Good at Life: The Story of Barack Obama – Charlie Kaufmann
Indestructible Teeth: The Living Spirituality of Orthodontist Richard Shenkman –
Richard Shenkman, DMD
The Auras of Seals – JZ Coetzee
Cheese is the New Meat – Baron von Vanderkrass
“Hi baby girl. You are a precious treasure!” – Sunflower Concepcion
Electric Renaissance (In My Pants) – Medici Da Vinci
The Land Surveys of Henry David Thoreau 1851 –62 (Unabridged version, 2400 pp): Schocken Classics Series
Reading the Script: the Collected Prescriptions of William Carlos Williams, Organized by Drug Name (Schlocken Klassics, 4500 pp) – Professor Philip Windfcuker [submitted by M. Shadwell]
Suffocation – Knut Hamsun
The Hills of Tora Bora – Ernest Hemingway
Deep Shit: Philosophy and the Art of Sanitation – Charles Friedrich Pirsig
War and the Metamorphosis of the Idiot – Franz Tolstoevsky
The Tough Tears Series: Cry Tough, Sob Tough, Weep Tough, Wail Tough
For Colored Girls/ When they go over the rainbow/ and get the blues – by Yolo (author of The Vagina Decalogues, House of Freedom, & O Cry, O Solitude!)
For Colored Girls/ When the Rainbow is More than Enuff/ But they Can’t Figure Out How to eat Flan – Yolo
The Bedbugs of Shannara – Terrence Gilliam
The Uneditable – Samuel Beckett
The Coconut Shuckers – Jeb Steinbeck
The 101 Best Recipes For Preparing Bedbugs – Shel Rombauer & Bob Dylan (aka, Jack Frost)
Krapp’s First Tape – Samuel Beckett
Cooking Without Looking: Harnessing the Power of the Force to Prepare the Finest Culinary Delights – Leia Childs
The Best American Poetry of 2011 (or, Some of the Worst Poetry of All Time) – eds. Philip Windfcuker & Rebecca Socialclimer
No Entrance: Race Relations in 1960s Mississippi – John Paul Sartre
The Analytics – Google
Man’s Search for Herring – Wheelis Frankl
America’s 50 Best States – Roscoe Wilderness
Chinchillas in the Mist – Everett Goodall
History— Whose Fault Is It? (Yahweh Press) – Jason Bentsman
The Collected Texts, SMS Messages, and Tweets of Alexander Pushkin
French Grammar The Hard Way – Language Learning for Sadomasochists Series (Boot to the Groin Press)
Are Snakes Necessary? – Bismark von Preminger
That Side of Paradise – Francis Fitzcarraldo
Love in the Time of BLAH – Gabrielle Garcia Copeland
The Wisdom of the East (of Harlem) – Flyguy Slade
The Divided MILF – JT Lancaster, Sex Therapist
Humid, All Too Humid – Allen Nietzsche
The James Brown Bible (JBB) (Def Jam Publishing)
The definitive translation of the Christian Bible as told by the Godfather of Soul
Treating Feline Psychogenic Alopecia (FPA) – Sheldon Alverschwartz, PCP
The Complete Dungeons & Dragons Compendium To Spirituality – Ken Wilber
Healing at the Edge of Calm – Himhart Holibrook
No Alain Delon: The Life of Jason Bentsman (Scribners)
Biography explaining how I’m inferior to Alain Delon in virtually every way. (IE: ‘JB was born in Minsk, Belarus. Of course, at that time, and still today, Minsk is a backwater compared to Lyon, the vibrant, bustling, and cultural mecca that gave birth to Alain Delon— thespian, artist, philosopher, lover, humanitarian extraordinaire.’)
When To Start Twerking: A Primer – Milarepa Cyrus
Dealing With Excitable Pigs – Grandor Amberson
The Way of All Floozies – Depardieu Butler
What Plants Talk About When They Talk About Running – Flystrap Harukami
The Way We Are: Poems April 3, 2003 – April 4, 2003 (3rd Edition)
Meditation for Sleazy People – Guruji Michael Powers
Life With Limits: How To Be Given Every Advantage and Still Fail Miserably – Charles Cameron Baliol, Esq.
Nietzsche’s Mustache: An Autobiography – Nietzsche’s Mustache
Mariposa: The Pink Butterfly (Take Me To Paradise) – Anonymous
Parks Without Bathrooms – Hemingway Chaplin
On Becoming A Pervert – Carl Dodgers
The 4 Agreements To The 8 Secrets To The 12 Easy Steps To The Art Of Becoming Enlightened, Rich, Free Of Suffering, and Not Giving A Fuck: And So Can You! – Wendigo Weimaraner
Before The Law, But After Breakfast Please! – Franzy Sans
The Pain, the Slog, and the Boredom: Five Decades at the Gym – William Faulkner
Success Magic – The Prosperity Secret to Win with Magical Spiritual Power: How to Grow Rich, Influence People, Protect Your Mindset & Love Yourself Like a Warrior using Timeless Abundance Secrets — George Wentz & Magus Incognito [this is an actual book]
Pilot Scenario Analysis Exercise on Climate Related Risks Based on Common Scenarios – Valeksandra Artelskaya
The suprachiasmatic nucleus drives day-night variations in postprandial triglyceride uptake into skeletal muscle and brown adipose tissue – Plato
And here are some of my favorite movies…
From the Producers of Girls Gone Wild: Food Gone Bad
Flipper & Lassie: Tag-team Madness
Harold and Kumar No More Go A Roving
Diarrhea of a Country Priest – Robert Bresson
The Troi Colors Trilogy – Kieslowski Kandinsky
I Am Bi-curious, Yellow
I Am Horny, Rouge
I Am Very Hungover, Don’t Talk To Me, Puce
Children of the Opposite Sex – Marcel Ophuls
Days of Indigestion – Kar Wong Wei
Chinchillas in the Mist (documentary based on the bestselling book by Everett Goodall)
Last Tango in Boise, Idaho – Wayne Berlescucci
The Leaves Have Ears – Fairbanks Sirk
Whose Pants Are These? (documentary) – Errol Apted
The Red Fire Hydrant (documentary) – Errol Apted
Leonard Cohen: The Non–existent Years
Documentary chronicling the life of Leonard Cohen from the late Middle Ages through the early Renaissance in Western Europe
Deuce Bigalow: Ontological Gigolo
Stalker Nostalgia – Andrey Jerkovsky
And, for good measure, several of my very favorite songs…
Don’t Bogart the Pussy – Tone-Déf
I Want to Put My Penis Inside Your Vagina, Woman – Martin Ricky
Wholesome Romance – Lady GooGoo
You Look Just Like My Anima, Baby – Young Adler
I Kissed My Grandma (And I Liked It) – aka, Taste of Geriatric – Katy Perry
Slather It – the new hit single from Devo
Anal Surprise – Miles Davis
My Fin-De-Siècle Mama – Buddy Robespierre
Menstruation Vacation – Kraftwerk
In A Horizontal Way – Davis Coltrane
You Gotta Smoke Somethin’ – Bob Dyland
The Best of the Best of the Best of Berlin (aka, Take My Breath Away / Metro)
I Shat My Pants (And I Liked It) – Katy Perry
Shat My Pants Again – Katy Perry
Shat – Rent Treznor
Carefully Planned And Executed Whisper – Michael George
Bust A Third Movement – Yo Yo Yo Ma
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