In early 2017 FWIW ran a contest on Facebook in a number of groups and threads to see who could come up with the funniest and most ridiculous 4 word phrases that would ruin a first date. I was floored by the number of responses— over 1,500 (!) Here, appearing for the first time on the site itself, are the Winners and Runners Up— and for the first time altogether, the Runners Runners Up


Well friends, the Results are in from January’s impromptu literary improv Contest asking you to “Ruin a first date using 4 words.” I must say, I was floored by the number of responses— over 1,500 (!) from a dozen or so Facebook groups and threads. Suffice it to say, it was extremely challenging to select the relatively small number of Winning (25) and Runner Up (15) entries.


Since I didn’t wholly trust my own comedic judgment (or stamina) when reading so many, I recruited my good friend, writer and humorist par excellence Matt, as co-judge. Thanks Matt for being so magnanimous on short notice!


Even then, the results must be taken with a proverbial grain of salt, for they reflect our idiosyncratic preferences and addled minds. Really, a small committee was required, and others surely would have made some different picks. Hopefully though, we were able to winnow out most of the funniest and most clever.


And thanks to everyone who, to my amazement, kept responding… and responding… and responding. Hope you enjoy this list  






Runners Runners Up


Marie Pé

My girlfriend is insane

Consent is a fad

I have fifteen cats

You, me, golden showers?

One minute, dealer calling!

College: waste of time


Anna L

Ignore the tracking device

I am still married

I enjoy restraining orders

Are you poisoning me?


Ian Steel Matheson

Call me ‘The Hammer’


Seth DeFayette

Your drink is poisoned

You laugh like Skeletor

Let me feed you…

Don’t look behind you

Self destruct in 0

God, no, just no


Marianne Lorthiois

Aleppo? What is Aleppo?


Ashwin Gandbhir

Like my clown suit?

Hold this colostomy bag

Honestly, astroglide or lard?

I traffic rhino horns


Matt Murphy

My bestiality’s under control

I am into coprophagia


Hamid Farzaneh

Is your dad single?


Joshua Budman

This won’t take long


Nguyen Dinh

You look better online


Chris O’Bray

I have no head


Erik Jacobsen

My wife just called


Zachary Soucy, Robert Henderson

I really love you


Michael Riat

I suppose you’ll do


Jason Kearney Thibault

Legally, I must inform…


Jen Starr

You have a tongue?!


Kathy Anders

My herpes is active


Bill Shifflett, Ed Logan

Mind if I fart?


Mike Fitzpatrick

I have a woody


Charles J. Swedish

Here, put this on

Yuck… smell my finger.


Dave Jewett

Watch this snot rocket


David Isurushin

Are those things real?


Ed Logan

Ever tried autoerotic asphyxiation?

Does Walgreens sell condoms?

Let’s make a baby

Your hair looks real

Just visualizing you naked

I bathed for you

Where’s the nearest hotel?

That’s my spit cup

We are not schizophrenic

The voices chose you

You look right tasty

Could you shut-up?


Paula Smith

The voices told me

Hold my crack pipe


Hugh Duncan

Those? Scars. Old girlfriend.


David Fairn

Your Dad is pretty


Richard Wysham

Got a hundred bucks?


Hugh Duncan

It’s okay, I’m famous


Bill Shifflett

Heroin helps me sleep


Nicole Kazonie

Haven’t slept in weeks…

All in the negotiations…!

I have a questionnaire


Randy Benjamin

Parole officer likes you


Bill Faulkner

Wanna see my crawlspace?

You allergic to zipties?

Our safeword is xzwqpkjmgfdulrdswv…

I party like Caligula!

Come see my van

Dammit! I just came


Curran Jeffery

My Mom dressed me


Laura Rooney

First date since prison


David Olson

You are a Cunt!


Nilsa Rivera

Could it be AIDS?

You ever killed someone?


Hil O’Brien

What about salad instead?


Edwin Marcus

My wife is calling


Angelica Lindo

My pimp’s monitoring us

Aliens abducted me twice

You looked better online

I’m on house arrest

I guess you’ll do


James Wait, Danny Hughes

Will you marry me?


Neal Shannacappo

Are you on medication?


Curtis Berry

You have lovely wrinkles

Carpet match the drapes?

You don’t look scared

Fetch me a beer

This smell like chloroform?

I admire older women

Brought you a ham

Get ready for inspection

Have you ever hooked?

Hitler was so misunderstood


Josh Gaines

Your skin oughta fit

You sleepwalk? I sleepshit!


Lara Lo

I sleep with dolls

I speak Pig Latin


David Mendoza

When are you due?


Frank Baker

My wife (husband) is coming




And if you’re curious, here is a list of the responses we came up with. I thought of mine sporadically over a few days. Matt came up with his in, like, 20 minutes.


– I have the clap 
– I voted for Trump
– Biggest heroes: Allen. Polanski.
– Grandma?? What the fuck?!?
– I looove children! Literally.
– Follow me on Instagram
– Bedbugs are my friends
– My name is Mephistopheles
– I’m 9 months pregnant
– I brought my therapist
– I’m from the future
– Fancy a foot massage?
– U brought a diaphragm?
– Prefer to pee clothed
– I have two heads
– Hamster. Tube. Enough said.
– The KGB sent me 
– I have anger issues
– Fucky sucky? Sucky fucky?
– What is your rate?
– Global warming doesn’t exist
– I followed you here
– You gotta snort this!
– Let us say Grace
– Wanna buy a condo?
– What’s your ATM pin?
– Your deformity arouses me
– Want to swap children?
– I’ll be filming this
– Reading is for fools
– Ignore the parole officer
– Rapists have feelings too (agh, this one is awful!) 
– First sign this contract
– This too shall pass
– Wanna join my Ashram?
– Let’s Netflix And Chill
– I own twelve concubines
– Pee into this cup
– Remind me to douche
– I love your cranium!
– This is becoming interminable
– Girl, you so freaky
– Let’s steal the silverware
– Just robbed the register 
– How much an hour?
– Fried bedbugs are delectable
– Too legit to quit
– Don’t fear the Reaper
– I’m a mischievous proctologist 
– Satan, get thee back! 
– More cowbell


– I forgot my mantra
– It rubs the lotion
– Yeah, you’ll regret this
– Blackness. All is Blackness.
– Well this is awkward
– Let’s contemplate the nothingness
– Nothing will save you
– Let’s just not talk
– Endless dread, that’s all
– Limitless humiliation, my life
– Masturbation is my religion
– Masturbation is God, ok?
– I overmasturbated today, sorry
– My life is grim
– Want to discuss Schopenhauer?
– Despair, ye Gods. Despair!
– Systolic. Diastolic. Bucolic. Whooo! (a very inside joke) 
– I’m a dandy, see!
– I rage against God
– Sweeeeet Caroline, dum, dum – 
– Blade sharpens blade, petunia
– Remember Jewel? So great
– Remember Everclear? So great
– Remember Hanson? So talented
– Step on my dick
– My name is Cardamom


– Contest Was Held In Jan 2017 

To Occasionally See More Pieces Like This In Your FB Newsfeed  



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