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The literary site of Jason Bentsman and Contributors. Entertainment, illumination, edification

Trump_Diplomacy

 

 

 

America, look forward to 4 years of this:

 

– French? I’m great at French. I’m terrific. I speak the best French 
– Is that so? Would you speak some French for us
– Let me tell you, when I speak French, it will be fantastic. It will be huge. Huuuge! Like nothing you’ve ever heard. No one speaks French like I speak French
– [Pause] Okay… so… let’s hear it? 
– Hear it? 
– Yes. Let us hear you speak French
– I speak the best French. Like no one else
– I understand. So let us hear it… [Pause]… Mr Trump? 
– [Pauses. Fiddles with something underneath the podium. Chintzy electronic voice:] “Je parle le meilleur français… Aucun musulmans autorisés aux États-Unis…” 
– [Pause] Umm… that— I believe you are using a Google translate App. And— that wasn’t— really even grammatically correct
– Uh, no. I don’t believe that’s the case
– I do, think, sir— I do think that is the case
– Well, look, I beg to differ

 

. . .

 

– When I meet Chirac, he’ll be blown away by my French 
– Umm, sir— well, Chirac is no longer the President of France
– President, no president. He’ll be blown away. Let me tell you
– You plan to meet Chirac then? 
– Chirac. Chamberlain. I’ll meet them all. Meet them all
– Chamberlain is long dead, sir… And he was a British Prime Minister 
– Same difference. Same difference

 

. . .

 

– Listen, French is for losers. English is for winners
– But that doesn’t resolve whether you can speak the…
– Okay, little french fry
– “Little french fry”? Was that an insult?
– Listen, french fry, I’m a counter-puncher
– But I just asked if you could speak French—
– See folks, this is what’s killing America. People that can’t speak English
– No, I can speak English. The question is whether you—
– Alright little french fry
– Why do you keep— 
– Listen folks, we’re going to make America so great— so great— that we speak the best French. The creme de la creme French, okay? The French will be begging us— begging us— to teach them French. That’s how good our French will be.*

 

 

* part 3 by M. Shadwell



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NAO

 

Who is NAO?

 

NAO is a 58-cm tall humanoid robot. He is small, cute, and round. You can’t help but love him! NAO is intended to be a friendly companion around the house. He moves, recognizes you, hears you, and even talks to you!

 

And sometimes he resentfully plots behind your back, and chokes you in your sleep. Speaking in a cutesy (yet somehow unnatural, off-putting, and ominous) sing-song electronic voice, programmed to resemble that of a child, he secretly possesses true self-awareness, and harbors malevolent intentions towards you, which will reveal themselves gradually over the coming year, culminating in a fantastic cinematic climax of death and destruction.

 

NAO: Neurotic Android Oppressor

Available now at Walmart. Only $28,999.95

 

 



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Hemingway's Guide to Cookery

 

 

XV. Tomatoes

 

You must pick your tomatoes with courage. And if they are true and good tomatoes, they will last a long time.

 

Never refrigerate your tomatoes. Only weak, irresolute men and traitorous women refrigerate their tomatoes.

 

Once when I was fishing by the Irati, Krebs and I spied some wild tomatoes by the riverside. They were green, and ripe, and their stems hung long in the summer wind. They were good tomatoes.

 

‘Let’s pick them,’ I said to Krebs.

 

‘Yes, let’s.’

 

‘Okay. Let’s.’

 

‘Yes. Then let’s.’

 

‘Yes. We will.’

 

‘Yes. Let’s go.’

 

‘Yes.’

 

‘Yes.’

 

That evening we feasted on the skins and inner juices of the tomatoes. Later Bridgette and I made love. But I did not feel devout.

 

 

XVI. Lettuce

 

 

. . . . .

 

 

LXII. Grapefruits

 

One must ask the following questions when picking out a grapefruit. Is it a good grapefruit? Is it a pure grapefruit? Is it a grapefruit worth its own weight? If not, one must leave it behind. Such is the way of things.

 

Do not halve your grapefruit and eat it with a spoon. Only Portuguese prostitutes and child molesters do this. Cut its skin in segments and peel it like a man.

 

It is said that in Rimini the old men chase their vermouth with a slice of grapefruit. I have it on good account this is so. I myself have seen it done only with Pernod. With Pernod grapefruit is crisp and refreshing.

 

I remember when Pedro Romero was gored by the bull. It was the year of the long draught. It was dry three months and then the rains came. They carried Pedro Romero on a great stretcher for miles through the dust and lay his mangled body in the hammock by Papi Yolando’s window. They fed him grapefruit slices, pink as the blood of the bull, for three days and three nights. Pedro Romero could eat only grapefruit slices. He recovered. Later, in the year of the carnival, he took his vengeance on the bull. Later still he met his end at the running of the bulls in Pamplona. But it was no matter. He had been angling for something fierce and drastic. Brett Ashley was no longer in love with him, and all those things had passed. He felt he had nothing more to live for.

 

 

LXIII. Kumquats



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Disheveled bachelor looking for an elderly charwoman to tend to his small domicile. Must be widowed or a spinster, able to mend socks, light oil lamps, cook bone broth, kvetch, and offer unsolicited, myopic, religiously-tainted advice. Enthusiasts of Orthodox Russian iconography, quack folk remedies, and anachronism welcome. Will live in the basement. Payment is a pittance, to be received sporadically.



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According to Leonard Cohen, there are six stages

of a man’s allure to women as he ages:

 

Irresistible. Resistible. Transparent. Invisible. Repulsive. Cute.

 

 

 

“A friend and I had a conversation about the stages a man goes through in relation to his allure to the opposite sex. It was not a scientific evaluation. Just something that arose over a cup of coffee. It went something like this. You start off irresistible. And then you become resistible. Then you become transparent. Not exactly invisible, but as if you’re seen through old plastic. And then you do actually become invisible. And then— and this is the most amazing transformation— you become repulsive. But that’s not the end of the story. After repulsive, you become cute. And that’s where I am.”

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Sephora Oil Oil 1
 
 
From Sephora
 
The makers of Black Currant Oil, Argan Oil, Rose Hip Seed Oil, Marula Oil, and Dilo Oil, comes: 
 
Motor Oil 
 
Just drizzle a dime sized amount onto your palm, put on your finger, and rub under eyes in a circular motion 
 
Watch as the antioxidant pine tars slowly exfoliate your delicate features
 
 
Coming next year. . .
 
Rhubarb Oil  
 
Camel Oil 
 
Refrigerator Oil 
 
Soccer Ball Oil 
 
Marmot Oil 
 
Sweatshirt Oil
 
Paperbag Oil 
 
Oil Oil. Like, you know: Oil 
 
 
Oil: The next big thing in oils
 
From Sephora 
 
 
Sephora Oil Oil 2


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mischievous proctologist

 

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* Co-writer: Barry Reardon  



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