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Running Horse 237, Lascaux — Og

 

Og’s latest, Running Horse 237, is a far cry from his greatest works, such as Buffalo 12, Man Chasing Reindeer With Bow 16, and even Running Horses 148 and Running Horse 19. Nonetheless, it is still an Og. And Og at his worst is better than many cave artists at their best. While the presentation feels rushed and a little crude, and you may not be able to commune directly with the horse-spirit through it, you still might hear it winnowing and feel some residual sense of awe. Also, it is quite tasty— it’s painted with those berries out there beyond the fields we all love. P.S. Og must not be shown this review. He gets quite belligerent when challenged.



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In early 2017 FWIW ran a contest on Facebook in a number of groups and threads to see who could come up with the funniest and most ridiculous 4 word phrases that would ruin a first date. I was floored by the number of responses— over 1,500 (!) Here, appearing for the first time on the site itself, are the Winners and Runners Up— and for the first time altogether, the Runners Runners Up

 

Well friends, the Results are in from January’s impromptu literary improv Contest asking you to “Ruin a first date using 4 words.” I must say, I was floored by the number of responses— over 1,500 (!) from a dozen or so Facebook groups and threads. Suffice it to say, it was extremely challenging to select the relatively small number of Winning (25) and Runner Up (15) entries.

 

Since I didn’t wholly trust my own comedic judgment (or stamina) when reading so many, I recruited my good friend, writer and humorist par excellence Matt, as co-judge. Thanks Matt for being so magnanimous on short notice!

 

Even then, the results must be taken with a proverbial grain of salt, for they reflect our idiosyncratic preferences and addled minds. Really, a small committee was required, and others surely would have made some different picks. Hopefully though, we were able to winnow out most of the funniest and most clever.

 

And thanks to everyone who, to my amazement, kept responding… and responding… and responding. Hope you enjoy this list  

 

 

 

 

 

Runners Runners Up

 

Marie Pé

My girlfriend is insane

Consent is a fad

I have fifteen cats

You, me, golden showers?

One minute, dealer calling!

College: waste of time

 

Anna L

Ignore the tracking device

I am still married

I enjoy restraining orders

Are you poisoning me?

 

Ian Steel Matheson

Call me ‘The Hammer’

 

Seth DeFayette

Your drink is poisoned

You laugh like Skeletor

Let me feed you…

Don’t look behind you

Self destruct in 0

God, no, just no

 

Marianne Lorthiois

Aleppo? What is Aleppo?

 

Ashwin Gandbhir

Like my clown suit?

Hold this colostomy bag

Honestly, astroglide or lard?

I traffic rhino horns

 

Matt Murphy

My bestiality’s under control

I am into coprophagia

 

Hamid Farzaneh

Is your dad single?

 

Joshua Budman

This won’t take long

 

Nguyen Dinh

You look better online

 

Chris O’Bray

I have no head

 

Erik Jacobsen

My wife just called

 

Zachary Soucy, Robert Henderson

I really love you

 

Michael Riat

I suppose you’ll do

 

Jason Kearney Thibault

Legally, I must inform…

 

Jen Starr

You have a tongue?!

 

Kathy Anders

My herpes is active

 

Bill Shifflett, Ed Logan

Mind if I fart?

 

Mike Fitzpatrick

I have a woody

 

Charles J. Swedish

Here, put this on

Yuck… smell my finger.

 

Dave Jewett

Watch this snot rocket

 

David Isurushin

Are those things real?

 

Ed Logan

Ever tried autoerotic asphyxiation?

Does Walgreens sell condoms?

Let’s make a baby

Your hair looks real

Just visualizing you naked

I bathed for you

Where’s the nearest hotel?

That’s my spit cup

We are not schizophrenic

The voices chose you

You look right tasty

Could you shut-up?

 

Paula Smith

The voices told me

Hold my crack pipe

 

Hugh Duncan

Those? Scars. Old girlfriend.

 

David Fairn

Your Dad is pretty

 

Richard Wysham

Got a hundred bucks?

 

Hugh Duncan

It’s okay, I’m famous

 

Bill Shifflett

Heroin helps me sleep

 

Nicole Kazonie

Haven’t slept in weeks…

All in the negotiations…!

I have a questionnaire

 

Randy Benjamin

Parole officer likes you

 

Bill Faulkner

Wanna see my crawlspace?

You allergic to zipties?

Our safeword is xzwqpkjmgfdulrdswv…

I party like Caligula!

Come see my van

Dammit! I just came

 

Curran Jeffery

My Mom dressed me

 

Laura Rooney

First date since prison

 

David Olson

You are a Cunt!

 

Nilsa Rivera

Could it be AIDS?

You ever killed someone?

 

Hil O’Brien

What about salad instead?

 

Edwin Marcus

My wife is calling

 

Angelica Lindo

My pimp’s monitoring us

Aliens abducted me twice

You looked better online

I’m on house arrest

I guess you’ll do

 

James Wait, Danny Hughes

Will you marry me?

 

Neal Shannacappo

Are you on medication?

 

Curtis Berry

You have lovely wrinkles

Carpet match the drapes?

You don’t look scared

Fetch me a beer

This smell like chloroform?

I admire older women

Brought you a ham

Get ready for inspection

Have you ever hooked?

Hitler was so misunderstood

 

Josh Gaines

Your skin oughta fit

You sleepwalk? I sleepshit!

 

Lara Lo

I sleep with dolls

I speak Pig Latin

 

David Mendoza

When are you due?

 

Frank Baker

My wife (husband) is coming

 

 

 

And if you’re curious, here is a list of the responses we came up with. I thought of mine sporadically over a few days. Matt came up with his in, like, 20 minutes.

 

Jason
– I have the clap 
– I voted for Trump
– Biggest heroes: Allen. Polanski.
– Grandma?? What the fuck?!?
– I looove children! Literally.
– Follow me on Instagram
– Bedbugs are my friends
– My name is Mephistopheles
– I’m 9 months pregnant
– I brought my therapist
– I’m from the future
– Fancy a foot massage?
– U brought a diaphragm?
– Prefer to pee clothed
– I have two heads
– Hamster. Tube. Enough said.
– The KGB sent me 
– I have anger issues
– Fucky sucky? Sucky fucky?
– What is your rate?
– Global warming doesn’t exist
– I followed you here
– You gotta snort this!
– Let us say Grace
– Wanna buy a condo?
– What’s your ATM pin?
– Your deformity arouses me
– Want to swap children?
– I’ll be filming this
– Reading is for fools
– Ignore the parole officer
– Rapists have feelings too (agh, this one is awful!) 
– First sign this contract
– This too shall pass
– Wanna join my Ashram?
– Let’s Netflix And Chill
– I own twelve concubines
– Pee into this cup
– Remind me to douche
– I love your cranium!
– This is becoming interminable
– Girl, you so freaky
– Let’s steal the silverware
– Just robbed the register 
– How much an hour?
– Fried bedbugs are delectable
– Too legit to quit
– Don’t fear the Reaper
– I’m a mischievous proctologist 
– Satan, get thee back! 
– More cowbell

 

Matt 
– I forgot my mantra
– It rubs the lotion
– Yeah, you’ll regret this
– Blackness. All is Blackness.
– Well this is awkward
– Let’s contemplate the nothingness
– Nothing will save you
– Let’s just not talk
– Endless dread, that’s all
– Limitless humiliation, my life
– Masturbation is my religion
– Masturbation is God, ok?
– I overmasturbated today, sorry
– My life is grim
– Want to discuss Schopenhauer?
– Despair, ye Gods. Despair!
– Systolic. Diastolic. Bucolic. Whooo! (a very inside joke) 
– I’m a dandy, see!
– I rage against God
– Sweeeeet Caroline, dum, dum – 
– Blade sharpens blade, petunia
– Remember Jewel? So great
– Remember Everclear? So great
– Remember Hanson? So talented
– Step on my dick
– My name is Cardamom

 


– Contest Was Held In Jan 2017 



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Trump_Diplomacy

 

 

 

America, look forward to 4 years of this:

 

– French? I’m great at French. I’m terrific. I speak the best French 
– Is that so? Would you speak some French for us
– Let me tell you, when I speak French, it will be fantastic. It will be huge. Huuuge! Like nothing you’ve ever heard. No one speaks French like I speak French
– [Pause] Okay… so… let’s hear it? 
– Hear it? 
– Yes. Let us hear you speak French
– I speak the best French. Like no one else
– I understand. So let us hear it… [Pause]… Mr Trump? 
– [Pauses. Fiddles with something underneath the podium. Chintzy electronic voice:] “Je parle le meilleur français… Aucun musulmans autorisés aux États-Unis…” 
– [Pause] Umm… that— I believe you are using a Google translate App. And— that wasn’t— really even grammatically correct
– Uh, no. I don’t believe that’s the case
– I do, think, sir— I do think that is the case
– Well, look, I beg to differ

 

. . .

 

– When I meet Chirac, he’ll be blown away by my French 
– Umm, sir— well, Chirac is no longer the President of France
– President, no president. He’ll be blown away. Let me tell you
– You plan to meet Chirac then? 
– Chirac. Chamberlain. I’ll meet them all. Meet them all
– Chamberlain is long dead, sir… And he was a British Prime Minister 
– Same difference. Same difference

 

. . .

 

– Listen, French is for losers. English is for winners
– But that doesn’t resolve whether you can speak the…
– Okay, little french fry
– “Little french fry”? Was that an insult?
– Listen, french fry, I’m a counter-puncher
– But I just asked if you could speak French—
– See folks, this is what’s killing America. People that can’t speak English
– No, I can speak English. The question is whether you—
– Alright little french fry
– Why do you keep— 
– Listen folks, we’re going to make America so great— so great— that we speak the best French. The creme de la creme French, okay? The French will be begging us— begging us— to teach them French. That’s how good our French will be.*

 

 

* part 3 by M. Shadwell



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NAO

 

Who is NAO?

 

NAO is a 58-cm tall humanoid robot. He is small, cute, and round. You can’t help but love him! NAO is intended to be a friendly companion around the house. He moves, recognizes you, hears you, and even talks to you!

 

And sometimes he resentfully plots behind your back, and chokes you in your sleep. Speaking in a cutesy (yet somehow unnatural, off-putting, and ominous) sing-song electronic voice, programmed to resemble that of a child, he secretly possesses true self-awareness, and harbors malevolent intentions towards you, which will reveal themselves gradually over the coming year, culminating in a fantastic cinematic climax of death and destruction.

 

NAO: Neurotic Android Oppressor

Available now at Walmart. Only $28,999.95

 

 



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Hemingway's Guide to Cookery

 

 

XV. Tomatoes

 

You must pick your tomatoes with courage. And if they are true and good tomatoes, they will last a long time.

 

Never refrigerate your tomatoes. Only weak, irresolute men and traitorous women refrigerate their tomatoes.

 

Once when I was fishing by the Irati, Krebs and I spied some wild tomatoes by the riverside. They were green, and ripe, and their stems hung long in the summer wind. They were good tomatoes.

 

‘Let’s pick them,’ I said to Krebs.

 

‘Yes, let’s.’

 

‘Okay. Let’s.’

 

‘Yes. Then let’s.’

 

‘Yes. We will.’

 

‘Yes. Let’s go.’

 

‘Yes.’

 

‘Yes.’

 

That evening we feasted on the skins and inner juices of the tomatoes. Later Bridgette and I made love. But I did not feel devout.

 

 

XVI. Lettuce

 

 

. . . . .

 

 

LXII. Grapefruits

 

One must ask the following questions when picking out a grapefruit. Is it a good grapefruit? Is it a pure grapefruit? Is it a grapefruit worth its own weight? If not, one must leave it behind. Such is the way of things.

 

Do not halve your grapefruit and eat it with a spoon. Only Portuguese prostitutes and child molesters do this. Cut its skin in segments and peel it like a man.

 

It is said that in Rimini the old men chase their vermouth with a slice of grapefruit. I have it on good account this is so. I myself have seen it done only with Pernod. With Pernod grapefruit is crisp and refreshing.

 

I remember when Pedro Romero was gored by the bull. It was the year of the long draught. It was dry three months and then the rains came. They carried Pedro Romero on a great stretcher for miles through the dust and lay his mangled body in the hammock by Papi Yolando’s window. They fed him grapefruit slices, pink as the blood of the bull, for three days and three nights. Pedro Romero could eat only grapefruit slices. He recovered. Later, in the year of the carnival, he took his vengeance on the bull. Later still he met his end at the running of the bulls in Pamplona. But it was no matter. He had been angling for something fierce and drastic. Brett Ashley was no longer in love with him, and all those things had passed. He felt he had nothing more to live for.

 

 

LXIII. Kumquats



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Disheveled bachelor looking for an elderly charwoman to tend to his small domicile. Must be widowed or a spinster, able to mend socks, light oil lamps, cook bone broth, kvetch, and offer unsolicited, myopic, religiously-tainted advice. Enthusiasts of Orthodox Russian iconography, quack folk remedies, and anachronism welcome. Will live in the basement. Payment is a pittance, to be received sporadically.



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According to Leonard Cohen, there are six stages

of a man’s allure to women as he ages:

 

Irresistible. Resistible. Transparent. Invisible. Repulsive. Cute.

 

 

 

“A friend and I had a conversation about the stages a man goes through in relation to his allure to the opposite sex. It was not a scientific evaluation. Just something that arose over a cup of coffee. It went something like this. You start off irresistible. And then you become resistible. Then you become transparent. Not exactly invisible, but as if you’re seen through old plastic. And then you do actually become invisible. And then— and this is the most amazing transformation— you become repulsive. But that’s not the end of the story. After repulsive, you become cute. And that’s where I am.”

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