For What It's Worth – a literary blog

BAM And Then It Hits You Redux © 2011 For What It’s Worth – a literary blog

Apparently, I hold the Northeast record for the longest held Netflix movie: 2.5 years.

A 3.5 hour “potent drama that follows 14-year-old Hungarian Jew Gyuri Koves. After the Nazis take him into custody, Gyuri is moved from one death camp to another, witnessing increasingly greater atrocities that erode his spirit. When the camp is liberated, Gyuri returns home a survivor, but his neighbors— who want to forget WWII’s horrors— go out of their way to avoid him.”

The runner-up is a certain John P. Shales of Danbury, NH, who has held onto “The Hottie and the Nottie” for 1 year and 3 months— and only because he passed away seven months ago.

Do you suffer from your terrible clarity?

Do you see far beyond the scope of the common man?

Are you haunted by prescient dreams and visions?

Now there’s Rizapan: the ‘Vision Quencher.’

Rizapan’s twelve patent-pending beta blockers calm the onset signs that can lead to nasty vision so that you can live normally.

“Before Rizapan, I would stay up ‘til all hours of the morning working on these long, pointless symphonies, and boy, was my health suffering. Now I can get a good night’s sleep, have a hearty breakfast, watch some TV, and still get a few games of golf in before noon! Thank you, Rizapan!” –L. Beethoven

“Before Rizapan, I was obsessed with making these weird, improportional drawings. I was living in some decrepit shack god-knows-where on the outskirts of France. Women were irrelevant to me, and I slowly alienated all my family and friends. Well, that’s all behind me now. I’ve been employed at the local car dealership for two years, and I’m happy to say, I’ve never felt better! Right honey? (And— we’re expecting our first child!) Thank you, Rizapan!” –V. Van Gogh

Never lose another day agonizing in deep thought or battling internal demons again.

Rizapan: The drug of choice for artists and visionaries everywhere.

Now in French Vanilla.

Michelle

deleting pages from my dissertation causes me acute physical pain

Shawn (a nurse)

I can manage that.

Michelle

propofol, or a little dilaudid?

Jason

That’s terrible. I feel for you. Those cretins don’t understand that those pages are essential to the purpose (now I think I just may be projecting)…. Maybe, afterwards, you can put out a “Dissertation: Director’s Cut,” including all the deleted pages— and an appendix of zany bloopers.

Michelle

Pages and pages of well-researched yet unnecessary historical context for a minor point: HILARIOUS BLOOPER.

ii.

Jason

‎”My body thinks I’m a bear. I think I’m a bear. You think I’m a bear. So why am I not a bear?!”

–Sasha

Katya

why would she not be bear?

Jason

I don’t know. You’d have to ask her. I think she’s a bear.

iii.

Jason

The Scorpions canceled their Minsk show

Matthew

I refuse to believe this.

Jason

I know, I know. It’s almost— unbelievable.

Barry

A new Day the Music Died

Jason

Soy tan sexy que mi amor

Barry

This is true.

Jason

soy mucho para Milán, mucho para Milán, New York y Japón

Kat

Hey, don’t you guys rag on The Scorpions! I love them!

iv.

Kat

‎”No mud, no lotus” –Thich Nhat Hahn

Ardha Baddha Padmottanasana (Half Bound Lotus Forward Bend)

Jason

“No woman, no cry” –Bob Marley

v.

Jason

‎”Russians are capable of bringing the notion of ‘jutkact’ (kitsch/ gaudiness/ tackiness) to a whole

other level. The level you never thought was possible.” –Sasha

Steven

woah.

Jason

indeed

Matthew

I think I sprained my tongue trying to say “jutkact”

Jason

It’s pronounced ‘zhoot-kuhst’… anyway, you sprain your tongue every month doing something or other

Margot

I’ve been searching for the name of this ever since my first trip to Israel…

Jason

That’s what a Russian would call it… ‘POSH-luhst’ would be translated as ‘kitsch,’ and ‘JHOOT-kuhst’ as the kind of absurd kitsch-gaudiness-tackiness seen in the video… Unfortunately, it’s difficult to approximate the right pronunciation…

Margot

My Russian/Ukranian colleague Dima who sits next to me says you’re wrong, and that jutkact means ‘liquid’. Bentsman are you trying to pull one on us?

Jason

He’s thinking of ‘ZHEET-kast’— which means liquid. ‘ZHEET-kaya’ means liquidy… ‘ZHOOT-kast’ (noun) comes from ‘ZHOOT-kaya’ (adj)— which means basically what I said: extreme kitsch/ tackiness/ gaudiness. Have him check a good Russian dictionary if he doesn’t believe it. (Again, the confusion here is trying to transliterate the Russian sounds in English letters.)

Barry

I’m still waiting to see evidence of a Russian capacity for kitsch/gaudy/tacky exceeding the American.

Jason

pet peeve: The creepily subservient, alienating, and unhelpful ways in which large companies (banks, utilities, credit card, tech companies, etc) require their customer service people to speak. They sound like automatons, w/o intuitive conversational sense or rapport, forced to ask inane questions and make inane statements no one ever responds to affirmatively. At the very end of the conversation, after every issue has (or, more often, has not) been addressed, always: “Is there anything else I can help you with today?” – ‘No, clearly not’ – “Okay, sir. Thank you for your time today, sir. Motorcola and the Motorcola family has been serving the community for years and is proud of your continued patronage.” – Would anyone speak like this in person? – As Jerry Seinfeld would say: “Who are these people?”

Ben

I figured it out: you’re Andy Rooney and Larry David’s love child.

Jason

You just figured it out today? It’s common knowledge.

Larry and Andy were deeply in love. It was the height of the roaring sixties. Leicester Sqaure. The MODS. The Beatles had just returned from Sri Lanka. It was love at fourth sight. But it wasn’t meant to be. Not the right time; not their time. Strangers in the night… I knew I would get flak for that one

Jason

I just misspelled “square”

Michelle

there’s something missing from this story… andy kaufman as gestational carrier maybe

Jason

I’ve heard strange rumors about Andy Kaufman. Strange forebodings, and whispers in the night. But I’ve never myself seen the man.

Jason

Next on ’60 Minutes’!

Michelle

i will pay you 1 million dollars to finish my dissertation for me

Autumn

At this rate, I might just have the time! Oh wait. I shouldn’t say that. A bunch of people might kill me. Nevermind. You can keep your 1 million dollars.

Jason

I’ll do it for one month’s rent

Michelle

autumn, if you are under contract to finish my dissertation i will protect you. and a month’s rent is a serious discount on 1 million dollars. makes me question the quality of your product jason.

Shawn

jason, how much is your rent?

Jason

two million dollars

Teresa (Michelle’s mother)

I’ll do it for free…..but it may not get you your PHD!

Jason

There’s the Capitalist system for you. Don’t charge overmuch, give someone a good deal, and they automatically question the quality of your services… Fine, I’ll do it for 1 million five hundred thousand (firm)

Teresa

Hey watch it there mister! I said I would do it for free and you are turning it into a bidding war……bring it on….bring it on!

Eva

you can do it you can do it!

Teresa

Spoken like a true friend!

Jason

For 1,500,000, I will get you the PhD. No problem. I’ll also throw in an MA in Computer Science, and a Bachelor’s in underwater basket weaving (a skill currently highly in demand in Denmark).

Teresa

me thinks you win! but I don’t like it!

Teresa

I think I could use some of that basket weaving….we’ll talk some time

Michelle

Product bundling, savvy marketing move. I don’t really need a BA in basket weaving, yet the offer is hard to resist.

Jason Bentsman

Everyone always goes for the basket weaving. Who doesn’t love a handmade basket infused with the timelessness of the ocean?… I will be displaying some of my personal baskets tonight at 9 pm on the Home Shopping Network.

Jason

Every gmail email in existence seems to be taken… It’s like the Monthy Python cheese shop sketch

Ben

what about fyodorkafstoy@gmail.com ?? taken?

Jason

The only one that seems to be available is “eriuhurwsdghvdjjhujvcvvcsjcbdhvcdvbvbhbvdhhvbsdhcvvcjkbsajkadbjkb84865tr@gmail.com”

Justine

you should totally do it. and put it on your business card.

Jason

Don’t worry— I snagged it up fast!… Making business cards as we speak.

Matthew

iamgerarddepardieu@gmail.com. You’re welcome.

Jason

huh?

Sasha

ripvanwinkle

Jason

indeed. the good advice continues pouring in.

Natasha

stoptakingallniceandshortemails@gmail.com

Natasha

ohthisoneisareallygoodandshortandeasytoremembertoo@gmail.com

Jason

I think I’ve struck some strange universal nerve

Jason

everyone will be happy (or unhappy) to know that I have settled on “idyllology@gmail.com” as an alternate email

Natasha

icouldn’tcomeupwithsomethingsmart@gmail.com

sorry, i will go back to work now.

Jason

okthankyouforyoursuggestionsiwilltrythemnexttimehavefunatwork@gmail.com

Sasha

that’s enough

Jason

I’ll be the judge of when it’s enough!… Okay. It’s enough.

Natasha

enough is enough or ya poidu v shtany kazhdomy iz vas!

Jason

Tol’ko etovo malo!

Jason

Cheese is the new meat

Jason

Ketchup is “out” for 2010. You heard it here first, friends… I heard a little rumor that lentil soup is “in.”

Barry

Lentil soup is enjoyable to eat and healthy for your bodily system.

Jason

Indeed!… A little bird told me: Baklava: “In” for 2010. Capers: “Out”… In other news: sprouts “hot.” Crepes “not.”

Barry

What food is the “new some other food”?

Jason

You’re insatiable. No other food this week. However, you’ll be interested to hear that chinchilla is the new snakeskin.

Jason

Fava beans are the new chianti… This changes the quote from Silence of the Lambs only in theory.

Barry

Food is Christianity “for the people”