I have received many awards and accolades, and am very important, influential, hip, cutting edge, renowned, and distinguished. For a complete bio, please see the 37 page entry on Wikipedia that my publicity people put up— or, alternately, any of the 142 articles about me on Wikileaks (except the one involving Silvio Berlusconi, Hu Jintao, Salma Hayek, a blindfolded camel, a harem of underage transvestite strippers, and a giant vat of rice pudding, which I still hold is pure fabrication).


Suffice it to say, it’s a great honor to speak with me. Many court me for interviews, which I rarely accede to. However, on one particularly sunny day in 2009, when James Lipton— you may have heard of him, scion of the great Bernard Pivot, acclaimed host of The Actor’s Studio, and writer of the “Thundercats” theme— Bill Moyers and Charlie Rose approached me in concert in a creative ploy to garner my favor, I happened to be feeling especially generous, and on a caprice decided to humor them. Below are my answers to their litany of hard-hitting questions.


Please note: The below interview is actually entirely spontaneous.



Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, or Slytherin?



What is the most useful class you’ve taken?



What should your biography be titled?

‘Do you love bunnies?’


Why did you decide to do this Interview?

I like talking about myself


My magic wand would be constructed out of pure…



We should criminalize…



In 20 years, I will be…

aching in the places that I used to play


When the world ends, I will be…

on another world that’s beginning


Jessica Alba or Jessica Simpson?

Alba Simpson


I’d rather be…



What always makes you smile, no matter how bad a day you’re having?



My mate dumped me when they found my…

wand made of methamphetamines


I like to wear…

nothing, whenever possible


Five star hotel or a tent in the woods?

either, depending


What’s the fastest you’ve ever driven?

drunk or sober?


How many times is it acceptable to wear a pair of pants before washing them?



I’d like to be captain on a manned mission to…

Nobu, New York


I could really live without…



Who is your nemesis?



When was the last time you cried?

Now, because I’m spending time answering these questions


What would you name your pet monkey?



I miss…



Twizzlers or Red Vines?

White Stripes


I knew I was an adult when…

I could pee standing upright


Quick! Name a book you’ve recently finished reading!

The Little Book of Ponies


I was voted most likely to…

get conjunctivitis


I’m allergic to…



What celebrity do people say you look like?

Svetlana Stalin


Burn Out or Fade Away?

rage against the dying of the light. but, like everyone, go out not with a bang but a whimper


What’s your favorite brand?

Miu Miu


If you were invisible for a day, what would you do?

find out what ‘normal’ people talk about


Quick! Write the last sentence of your autobiography.

And it was good.


If I woke up as the opposite sex, I’d…

have a much easier time finding nice clothes to wear


Complete this sentence: Life is like a box of…

glass houses


Are you a glass half full or glass half empty person?

depends on what I’m drinking


What questions should we ask on ‘10 Second Interview’?

How do you feel about false advertising?


What’s the latest gadget you’ve bought?

a belt. holds up the pants real good


Look around! What’s the closest red object?

the F in Fandango


Thongs are…



Boxers or briefs?



I’m down with…

the League of Nations


Have you ever been on TV?

I had a bit part in a David Lynch film. I played a midget who juggles pickled herring.


I’d do just about anything for…

a fix


I once had a really weird dream that…

I spent half an hour answering inane questions from an online questionnaire that claimed to take ten seconds


In retrospect, do you wish you had studied harder or had more fun?

I don’t begrudge the past


Which side is your good side?

I’ve been told there’s a small area on my back, but I’ve never been able to locate it


What does the tooth fairy do with all those teeth?

makes necklaces


How old were you when you had your first date?

the only reason we know that ‘date’ refers to a romantic event and not a fruit is the context


Quick! Make up a new pizza topping!



What snack food can you scarf down a whole bag in one sitting?

a pint of ice cream, easily


What’s your porn name?

Mr. Rogers


Quick! Write a two line poem:

My life is the poem I would have writ – But I could not both live and utter it – (Thoreau)


Do you sleep on your side, back, or stomach?

all of the above, but back rarely


I’d be mortified if someone caught me…

being mortified


Shoes or sneakers?

shut your mouth


I’d be totally screwed without…



What’s the sexiest thing a member of the opposite sex can wear?

lots of layers and buttons


If there were an extra hour in the day, I’d use it to…



Paris or Nicole?

Paris 4-Ever


What’s your ideal climate?



Cake or Pie?

Cakes and Ale


What was the first thing you bought when you got your first credit card?

a bondage outfit


People think that I’m…

an aardvark. It’s the darnedest thing


If you had a pet rhino, what would you name it?



I want my last meal to be…

when I still have teeth


I wish my ex would…

put on something less revealing. It’s indecent!


My friends would be shocked if they knew…

that I’ve never written a thing in my damn life


What question should they ask Miss America or Miss Universe contestants?

fustian: subfusc :: pinafore:


What’s your nickname?

I have been called by many names, but the truth is One


The 80s were a decade of…

wonderful music


How many kids would you want to have?

a few here, a few there


Use the following words in a sentence: pink, dirigible, luckily, phonics

The pink dirigible jumped over the brown lazy dog. Luckily phonics.


I can’t believe I lost my…

rock hard abs


Who would you want to be with on a desert island?

the Little Prince… and a ‘hot babe’


What’s your favorite kids’ cereal?

whichever has the most corn syrup


Though I try to hide it, I’m actually…

strikingly handsome


I’m back in the…



What are three ways you’re making the world a better place?

me, myself, and I


The best ride at Disneyland is…

Small World


What was your worst fashion mistake?

being born


If I were a super hero, my super suit would be made out of…

dark matter


My philosophy is…

I know nothing


What flavor Jello are you?

Black Label


For my first wish, I wish…

for a wise and understanding heart


The last time I actually cooked something, I made…

the most delightful little torte


Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear. Fuzzy Wuzzy had no…

I will not cast aspersions against Fuzzy Wuzzy


What question would you ask God?

What happened to that blue shirt with the epaulets that I really liked?


There’s something fishy about…



If I wrote the script for a porno, I’d title it…

The Weeblo of Coxsackie


What do you think you’ll name your kids?

Bagel & Croissant


What would your Patronus be?

My reply is no


What’s the strangest question you’ve been asked in a job interview?

Yes – definitely


In 10 years, I’ll be…

It is certain


What makes you blush?

As I see it, yes


What cartoon character did you have a crush on?

Reply hazy, try again


Which of the following describe you? Teenage? Mutant? Ninja? Turtle?

You may count on it


Bikini, Tankini, or Linguini?

Ask again later


What do you wear to bed?

Without a doubt


Take whatever you want. Just don’t take my…

Very doubtful


Love or lust?

Cannot predict now



— This interview took place circa 2009, during Bentsman’s early late-middle upper paleolithic period (also known by art historians as “the mauve period”)

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