I have received many awards and accolades, and am very important, influential, hip, cutting edge, renowned, and distinguished. For a complete bio, please see my 37 page entry on Wikipedia that my publicity people put up— or, alternately, any of the 142 articles about me on Wikileaks (except the one involving Silvio Berlusconi, Hu Jintao, Salma Hayek, a blindfolded camel, a harem of underage transvestite strippers, and a giant vat of rice pudding, which I still hold is pure fabrication).
Suffice it to say, it’s a great honor to speak with me. Many court me for interviews, which I rarely accede to. However, on one particularly sunny day in 2008, when James Lipton— you may have heard of him, scion of the great Bernard Pivot, acclaimed host of The Actor’s Studio, and writer of the “Thundercats” theme— Bill Moyers, and Charlie Rose approached me in concert in a creative ploy to garner my favor, I happened to be feeling especially generous, and, on a caprice, decided to humor them. Below are my answers to their litany of hard-hitting questions.
Please note: The below interview is actually entirely spotaneous.
Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, or Slytherin?
CocoPuffs
What is the most useful class you’ve taken?
Poverty
What should your biography be titled?
‘Do you love bunnies?’
Why did you decide to do this Interview?
I like talking about myself
My magic wand would be constructed out of pure…
methamphetamines
We should criminalize…
incuriosity
In 20 years, I will be…
aching in the places that I used to play
When the world ends, I will be…
on another world that’s beginning
Jessica Alba or Jessica Simpson?
Alba Simpson
I’d rather be…
free
What always makes you smile, no matter how bad a day you’re having?
botox
My mate dumped me when they found my…
wand made of methamphetamines
I like to wear…
nothing, whenever possible
Five star hotel or a tent in the woods?
either, depending
What’s the fastest you’ve ever driven?
drunk or sober?
How many times is it acceptable to wear a pair of pants before washing them?
times?
I’d like to be captain on a manned mission to…
Nobu, New York
I could really live without…
anchovies
Who is your nemesis?
familiarity
When was the last time you cried?
Now, because I’m spending time answering these questions
What would you name your pet monkey?
Dieter
I miss…
infinite
Twizzlers or Red Vines?
White Stripes
I knew I was an adult when…
I could pee standing upright
Quick! Name a book you’ve recently finished reading!
The Little Book of Ponies
I was voted most likely to…
get conjunctivitis
I’m allergic to…
closemindedness
What celebrity do people say you look like?
Svetlana Stalin
Burn Out or Fade Away?
rage against the dying of the light. but, like everyone, go out not with a bang but a whimper
What’s your favorite brand?
Miu Miu
If you were invisible for a day, what would you do?
find out what ‘normal’ people talk about
Quick! Write the last sentence of your autobiography.
And it was good.
If I woke up as the opposite sex, I’d…
have a much easier time finding nice clothes to wear
Complete this sentence: Life is like a box of…
glass houses
Are you a glass half full or glass half empty person?
depends on what I’m drinking
What questions should we ask on ‘10 Second Interview’?
How do you feel about false advertising?
What’s the latest gadget you’ve bought?
a belt. holds up the pants real good
Look around! What’s the closest red object?
the F in Fandango
Thongs are…
silly
Boxers or briefs?
thongs
I’m down with…
the League of Nations
Have you ever been on TV?
I had a bit part in a David Lynch film. I played a midget who juggles pickled herring.
I’d do just about anything for…
a fix
I once had a really weird dream that…
I spent half an hour answering inane questions from an online questionnaire that claimed to take ten seconds
In retrospect, do you wish you had studied harder or had more fun?
I don’t begrudge the past
Which side is your good side?
I’ve been told there’s a small area on my back, but I’ve never been able to locate it
What does the tooth fairy do with all those teeth?
makes necklaces
How old were you when you had your first date?
the only reason we know that ‘date’ refers to a romantic event and not a fruit is the context
Quick! Make up a new pizza topping!
embryos
What snack food can you scarf down a whole bag in one sitting?
a pint of ice cream, easily
What’s your porn name?
Mr. Rogers
Quick! Write a two line poem:
My life is the poem I would have writ – But I could not both live and utter it – (Thoreau)
Do you sleep on your side, back, or stomach?
all of the above, but back rarely
I’d be mortified if someone caught me…
being mortified
Shoes or sneakers?
shut your mouth
I’d be totally screwed without…
lungs
What’s the sexiest thing a member of the opposite sex can wear?
lots of layers and buttons
If there were an extra hour in the day, I’d use it to…
daydream
Paris or Nicole?
Paris 4-Ever
What’s your ideal climate?
sultry
Cake or Pie?
Cakes and Ale
What was the first thing you bought when you got your first credit card?
a bondage outfit
People think that I’m…
an aardvark. It’s the darnedest thing
If you had a pet rhino, what would you name it?
Foo-foo
I want my last meal to be…
when I still have teeth
I wish my ex would…
put on something less revealing. It’s indecent!
My friends would be shocked if they knew…
that I’ve never written a thing in my damn life
What question should they ask Miss America or Miss Universe contestants?
fustian: subfusc :: pinafore:
What’s your nickname?
I have been called by many names, but the truth is One
The 80s were a decade of…
wonderful music
How many kids would you want to have?
a few here, a few there
Use the following words in a sentence: pink, dirigible, luckily, phonics
The pink dirigible jumped over the brown lazy dog. Luckily phonics.
I can’t believe I lost my…
rock hard abs
Who would you want to be with on a desert island?
the Little Prince… and a ‘hot babe’
What’s your favorite kids’ cereal?
whichever has the most corn syrup
Though I try to hide it, I’m actually…
strikingly handsome
I’m back in the…
red
What are three ways you’re making the world a better place?
me, myself, and I
The best ride at Disneyland is…
Small World
What was your worst fashion mistake?
being born
If I were a super hero, my super suit would be made out of…
dark matter
My philosophy is…
I know nothing
What flavor Jello are you?
Black Label
For my first wish, I wish…
for a wise and understanding heart
The last time I actually cooked something, I made…
the most delightful little torte
Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear. Fuzzy Wuzzy had no…
I will not cast aspersions against Fuzzy Wuzzy
What question would you ask God?
What happened to that blue shirt with the epaulets that I really liked?
There’s something fishy about…
Mary
If I wrote the script for a porno, I’d title it…
The Weeblo of Coxsackie
What do you think you’ll name your kids?
Bagel & Croissant
What would your Patronus be?
My reply is no
What’s the strangest question you’ve been asked in a job interview?
Yes – definitely
In 10 years, I’ll be…
It is certain
What makes you blush?
As I see it, yes
What cartoon character did you have a crush on?
Reply hazy, try again
Which of the following describe you? Teenage? Mutant? Ninja? Turtle?
You may count on it
Bikini, Tankini, or Linguini?
Ask again later
What do you wear to bed?
Without a doubt
Take whatever you want. Just don’t take my…
Very doubtful
Love or lust?
Cannot predict now
