I have received many awards and accolades, and am very important, influential, hip, cutting edge, renowned, and distinguished. For a complete bio, please see the 37 page entry on Wikipedia that my publicity people put up— or, alternately, any of the 142 articles about me on Wikileaks (except the one involving Silvio Berlusconi, Hu Jintao, Salma Hayek, a blindfolded camel, a harem of underage transvestite strippers, and a giant vat of rice pudding, which I still hold is pure fabrication).

 

Suffice it to say, it’s a great honor to speak with me. Many court me for interviews, which I rarely accede to. However, on one particularly sunny day in 2009, when James Lipton— you may have heard of him, scion of the great Bernard Pivot, acclaimed host of The Actor’s Studio, and writer of the “Thundercats” theme— Bill Moyers and Charlie Rose approached me in concert in a creative ploy to garner my favor, I happened to be feeling especially generous, and on a caprice decided to humor them. Below are my answers to their litany of hard-hitting questions.

 

Please note: The below interview is actually entirely spontaneous.

 

 

Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, or Slytherin?

CocoPuffs

 

What is the most useful class you’ve taken?

Poverty

 

What should your biography be titled?

‘Do you love bunnies?’

 

Why did you decide to do this Interview?

I like talking about myself

 

My magic wand would be constructed out of pure…

methamphetamines

 

We should criminalize…

incuriosity

 

In 20 years, I will be…

aching in the places that I used to play

 

When the world ends, I will be…

on another world that’s beginning

 

Jessica Alba or Jessica Simpson?

Alba Simpson

 

I’d rather be…

free

 

What always makes you smile, no matter how bad a day you’re having?

botox

 

My mate dumped me when they found my…

wand made of methamphetamines

 

I like to wear…

nothing, whenever possible

 

Five star hotel or a tent in the woods?

either, depending

 

What’s the fastest you’ve ever driven?

drunk or sober?

 

How many times is it acceptable to wear a pair of pants before washing them?

times?

 

I’d like to be captain on a manned mission to…

Nobu, New York

 

I could really live without…

anchovies

 

Who is your nemesis?

familiarity

 

When was the last time you cried?

Now, because I’m spending time answering these questions

 

What would you name your pet monkey?

Dieter

 

I miss…

infinite

 

Twizzlers or Red Vines?

White Stripes

 

I knew I was an adult when…

I could pee standing upright

 

Quick! Name a book you’ve recently finished reading!

The Little Book of Ponies

 

I was voted most likely to…

get conjunctivitis

 

I’m allergic to…

closemindedness

 

What celebrity do people say you look like?

Svetlana Stalin

 

Burn Out or Fade Away?

rage against the dying of the light. but, like everyone, go out not with a bang but a whimper

 

What’s your favorite brand?

Miu Miu

 

If you were invisible for a day, what would you do?

find out what ‘normal’ people talk about

 

Quick! Write the last sentence of your autobiography.

And it was good.

 

If I woke up as the opposite sex, I’d…

have a much easier time finding nice clothes to wear

 

Complete this sentence: Life is like a box of…

glass houses

 

Are you a glass half full or glass half empty person?

depends on what I’m drinking

 

What questions should we ask on ‘10 Second Interview’?

How do you feel about false advertising?

 

What’s the latest gadget you’ve bought?

a belt. holds up the pants real good

 

Look around! What’s the closest red object?

the F in Fandango

 

Thongs are…

silly

 

Boxers or briefs?

thongs

 

I’m down with…

the League of Nations

 

Have you ever been on TV?

I had a bit part in a David Lynch film. I played a midget who juggles pickled herring.

 

I’d do just about anything for…

a fix

 

I once had a really weird dream that…

I spent half an hour answering inane questions from an online questionnaire that claimed to take ten seconds

 

In retrospect, do you wish you had studied harder or had more fun?

I don’t begrudge the past

 

Which side is your good side?

I’ve been told there’s a small area on my back, but I’ve never been able to locate it

 

What does the tooth fairy do with all those teeth?

makes necklaces

 

How old were you when you had your first date?

the only reason we know that ‘date’ refers to a romantic event and not a fruit is the context

 

Quick! Make up a new pizza topping!

embryos

 

What snack food can you scarf down a whole bag in one sitting?

a pint of ice cream, easily

 

What’s your porn name?

Mr. Rogers

 

Quick! Write a two line poem:

My life is the poem I would have writ – But I could not both live and utter it – (Thoreau)

 

Do you sleep on your side, back, or stomach?

all of the above, but back rarely

 

I’d be mortified if someone caught me…

being mortified

 

Shoes or sneakers?

shut your mouth

 

I’d be totally screwed without…

lungs

 

What’s the sexiest thing a member of the opposite sex can wear?

lots of layers and buttons

 

If there were an extra hour in the day, I’d use it to…

daydream

 

Paris or Nicole?

Paris 4-Ever

 

What’s your ideal climate?

sultry

 

Cake or Pie?

Cakes and Ale

 

What was the first thing you bought when you got your first credit card?

a bondage outfit

 

People think that I’m…

an aardvark. It’s the darnedest thing

 

If you had a pet rhino, what would you name it?

Foo-foo

 

I want my last meal to be…

when I still have teeth

 

I wish my ex would…

put on something less revealing. It’s indecent!

 

My friends would be shocked if they knew…

that I’ve never written a thing in my damn life

 

What question should they ask Miss America or Miss Universe contestants?

fustian: subfusc :: pinafore:

 

What’s your nickname?

I have been called by many names, but the truth is One

 

The 80s were a decade of…

wonderful music

 

How many kids would you want to have?

a few here, a few there

 

Use the following words in a sentence: pink, dirigible, luckily, phonics

The pink dirigible jumped over the brown lazy dog. Luckily phonics.

 

I can’t believe I lost my…

rock hard abs

 

Who would you want to be with on a desert island?

the Little Prince… and a ‘hot babe’

 

What’s your favorite kids’ cereal?

whichever has the most corn syrup

 

Though I try to hide it, I’m actually…

strikingly handsome

 

I’m back in the…

red

 

What are three ways you’re making the world a better place?

me, myself, and I

 

The best ride at Disneyland is…

Small World

 

What was your worst fashion mistake?

being born

 

If I were a super hero, my super suit would be made out of…

dark matter

 

My philosophy is…

I know nothing

 

What flavor Jello are you?

Black Label

 

For my first wish, I wish…

for a wise and understanding heart

 

The last time I actually cooked something, I made…

the most delightful little torte

 

Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear. Fuzzy Wuzzy had no…

I will not cast aspersions against Fuzzy Wuzzy

 

What question would you ask God?

What happened to that blue shirt with the epaulets that I really liked?

 

There’s something fishy about…

Mary

 

If I wrote the script for a porno, I’d title it…

The Weeblo of Coxsackie

 

What do you think you’ll name your kids?

Bagel & Croissant

 

What would your Patronus be?

My reply is no

 

What’s the strangest question you’ve been asked in a job interview?

Yes – definitely

 

In 10 years, I’ll be…

It is certain

 

What makes you blush?

As I see it, yes

 

What cartoon character did you have a crush on?

Reply hazy, try again

 

Which of the following describe you? Teenage? Mutant? Ninja? Turtle?

You may count on it

 

Bikini, Tankini, or Linguini?

Ask again later

 

What do you wear to bed?

Without a doubt

 

Take whatever you want. Just don’t take my…

Very doubtful

 

Love or lust?

Cannot predict now

 

 

— This interview took place circa 2009, during Bentsman’s early late-middle upper paleolithic period (also known by art historians as “the mauve period”)



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