Hey everyone – Last night I was at a literary reading, and before each reader came up, the host would read their ‘author’s bio’ to the audience. It made me realize that I need one myself. So I’ve been working on one today for a little while. Here’s what I’ve got so far. What do you think? Too modest? Not modest enough?
Jason Bentsman is a writer of tremendous powers, who suffers from his terrible clarity. He has written 4,387 novels, 1,602 short story collections, 1,072 volumes of poetry, sixteen dozen philosophical treatises, fourscore plays, 132 screenplays (136 of which have been turned into films), over one hundred canonical religious and spiritual texts (six of which have spawned major world religions), 92 historical exegeses, 144 seminal papers on physics (reconciling quantum physics with the standard model), 13 memoirs, 16 cookbooks, 4 dictionaries, an encyclopedia, two love manuals, a Driver’s Education instruction manual, a Unix and Linux System Administration handbook, a pamphlet on holistic menstruation, and a partridge in a pear tree— among countless other works in an unparalleled variety of genres.
Sir Bentsman has received innumerable awards and accolades, far far too numerous to mention here— not only for his writings, but also for his contributions in the areas of music, thespianism, dance, puppetry, commerce, ecology, forestry, philanthropy, aeronautics, neuroscience, internet technology, dentistry, equestrianism, mixology, pickling, pyrotechnics, neo-shamanism, tai chi and mixed martial arts, mysticism, spelunking, geocaching, deep-sea diving, curling, and underwater basket weaving. Some of these include the Nobel Prize (three for literature, and one each for physics, chemistry, economics, and peace), the Oscar (for his riveting performance as Little Angelo in Baz Luhrmann’s remake of Oliver Twist), the Tony, the Grammy, the Fields Medal, the Lasker Award, the Turner Prize, the Stockholm Water Prize, the Pritzker Architecture Prize, and the MTV Moon Man.
He is consummately considered to be extremely important, influential, hip, cutting-edge, renowned, distinguished, and selfless. His writing has been translated into every language in the Universe, and some others. His latest book, “History— Whose Fault Is It?,” is being published in 2015 by Yahweh: the only book since The Bible to be published by God himself. In his spare time, he enjoys romantic candle-lit evenings, long dewy glances, and short walks on the beach. He is also the inventor of the Gluten-free Workout.
For more information about Sir Bentsman, please see his 137 page entry on Wikipedia.
* This internet session might have been recorded for quality assurance purposes.